Unbelievable Phrases Found in Resumes

My recent article on spelling mistakes in a job advertisement made me think of the countless times I’ve been reviewing other peoples’ résumés, and found some of the most ridiculous mistakes. Obviously, some were simply typos, but just getting one letter wrong, transforms the word into something unintelligible or unprintable.

I’m sure you understand what I mean. For instance, in the word “shot,” if you change the “o” it can become a “bathroom” word that no one wants in their résumé.

I thought we could all use a good laugh, so the following are actual phrases, sentences, and words, etc. that have been used in résumés and cover letters [according to the website “Things People Said”].

  • “I have a bachelorette degree in computers.”
  • “I can play well with others.”
  • “Special skills: I’ve got a Ph.D. in human feelings.”
  • “My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had.”
  • “Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.”
  • “Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president’s girlfriend could steal my job.”
  • “Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle.”
  • “I am quick at typing, about 25 words per minute.”
  • “Typing speed: 756 wpm.”
  • “Objectives: 10-year goal: Total obliteration of sales and federal income taxes and tax laws.”
  • “Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!”
  • “Excellent memory, strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.”
  • “I saw your ad on the information highway, and came to a screeching halt.”
  • “Please disregard the attached resume — it is terribly out of date.”
  • “If this resume doesn’t blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.”
  • “I need just enough money to have pizza every night.”
  • “My compensation should be at least equal to my age.”
  • “I’ll starve without a job but don’t feel you have to give me one.”
  • “It’s best for employers that I not work with people.”
  • “My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend.”

These are the just a few of the better ones I found and you must admit, most of them are pretty funny 🙂 .

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